Compatability

What do you do when you realize that you and your partner are not exactly compatible? End it? Continue and both be miserable? Continue and one person be miserable and the other be blissfully unaware of how the other feels? Most people would say that the first choice is what should happen. But when you love someone that decision is extremely difficult to make. I have so much love and respect for my boyfriend. He tells me lots of things but never follows through with them (incompatibility #1). I am very much a woman of my word and if I tell you I am going to do something, well gosh darnit, I'm going to do it come hell or high water. It was ingrained in me as a poor child that we may not have money but at least we have our word. My boyfriend, on the other hand, grew up very privileged. Maybe he was never made to keep his word as a child. I am not sure but that is just my assumption. I am also an extremely attentive and affectionate person (incompatibility #2). My boyfriend is not. He shows his love and affection by cuddling every once in a while and cooking for me. Take it, he is an excellent chef and can cook amazing food, but that is not all I need. I need to know that I am the only one he thinks about and loves and wants in his life. And when we are apart I need to know that he misses me as much as I miss him. or hell even half as much as I miss him. He doesn't text me or call me or anything when we are apart but yet he can text his "friends" while I'm sitting on the couch begging for him to talk to me. I can't stand his friends. I don't know them but they are all female, therefore they are evil and manipulative and I know what their intentions are. He doesn't realize how much just one text here and there while we are apart can mean to me. To tell me how much he loves me or that he's thinking of me or something like that. This can fall under communication or attentiveness. Either one really. We usually talk out anything and fix anything with talking. Sometimes it does't exactly work like that. I love him so much and we have so much in common but I am afraid that the two major issues we face might be too much for us to overcome. I am hoping not but I am doubtful. He is starting to get mad at my insecurities instead of staying calm and asking me how he can make me feel more secure. He used to be understanding of my insecurities and caring about them and wanting to help me with them. *sigh* I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle with my depression, anxiety and insecurities. One of my friends said that they didn't know why I was so insecure. He says I have a lot to offer and a lot going for me in a relationship. I bend over backwards to make sure that the man that I love knows that he is loved and well taken care of. :) That's just how I am. But I am learning that not everyone is like that. But I am not having my needs met, which feeds a lot of my insecurities. So this is my dilemma tonight. To stay and keep my mouth shut even though we are not compatible or leave and be alone again.......probably for even longer this time. *sigh*

Communication Styles

Everyone has their love language and their own communication style. With today's technology texting and cell phones are way more common than not. Being easily accessible is a convenience for most but a problem for some. Believe it or not there are people who do not like to text and do not like to talk on the phone. These people each have their own reasons. This can cause a lot of tension and friction in a relationship if the two people happen to be opposites in this area. The question is: Can two people with different communication styles have a successful relationship? One of them, it seems, will always feel their needs are unfulfilled. That feeling can lead to cheating and eventually the dissolution of the relationship. Maybe it could work if compromise were an option. But what if one is willing to compromise and the other isn't? One can't compromise without the other, right? I mean one partner can't be expected to make all of the changes. There has to be a middle ground and an agreement. When one is forced to make all of the personality changes then it becomes a control issue and that becomes an abuse issue. Personally, I am the type that loves to be in almost constant contact with my lover when we are apart. I am curious to know what they are doing and what they are thinking. I enjoy talking to them about anything and everything. I am a child of my generation and I absolutely love to text. That is the number one way to get ahold of me if you need something. It is super convenient for me since I have a toddler. That and I am a huge attention whore. I am very upfront about this issue as well. It's an insecurity thing and yes I know it is not exactly healthy but I am hoping that my current boyfriend will stick around long enough to help me work through this, along with many other issues that I have. I believe in courtesy texts. I will text my partner several times a day with stuff that I want to talk about in person and texted them so that I don't forget it; ideas that I had; sweet and romantic little kissy faces; little love you notes; or courtesy texts (texts that think about the other persons thoughts and feelings before you do any kind of action). I need to know that my partner is thinking about me as much as I am thinking about them. I need to be reassured that they aren't looking for anyone else. Now if they are at work then my mind realizes that. I may send a text or two through out the day to let him know that I was thinking about him and that I miss him. But if I know he's busy then I don't expect a reply, via text or phone, at least until he is off of work. Most of the guys I have dated have made me the center of their attention. They would text or call whenever it was possible. BUT my current boyfriend is not like that at all. He hates the phone and texting. OMG! What's a needy attention whore to do?? Well I love this man and I have voiced my opinion about this several times. And I have a feeling that we will be have several more discussions about it. If we want to make our relationship work, that is. We could just end it and deem it a good try but just not compatible. I love him enough that I believe that we could make it if we just came to a compromising agreement. When something is expected and that expectation is not reached we become disappointed. Repeated disappointments turn into trust issues. So the best thing to do is to be open and upfront about your communication style in the very beginning. It will save a lot of trouble and heartache.

Relationship Attachment Style

believe that I am intelligent, pretty, loyal, loving, caring, compassionate, thoughtful, and tenacious. When I am with someone I love, I put forth my all. 100% of myself is given to this person. However, I am also an emotionally codependent, anxious and paranoid girlfriend. I have been treated so horribly by men in my past because of my giving and submissive nature that I am pretty sure I am broken beyond repair. My boyfriend says I'm not, that with love and patience and time he can help to heal me. But I wonder if that's true most of the time. I have been lied to, used, cheated on, taken advantage of and abused by the men that I have loved so dearly. Because of all of that, plus the nature of my work, I have a really difficult time believing any one on faith alone. I need proof that what they are telling me is the truth. I am paranoid that my boyfriend will find someone he likes better than me, someone that pleases him better than me, someone he thinks is prettier than I am. Why? Because that has happened to me in the past. Three times to be exact. I need attention to be reassured that cheating is not going on. I need to be in almost constant communication with my partner. I didn't used to be like this. It really bothers me that I can't control these thoughts and emotions. He doesn't answer the phone or text me back within a certain amount of time, I start freaking out a little. The fact that he is a non-compliant diabetic doesn't help my worries either. The anxiety overpowers my ability to think in rational reality. I read this article and realized that I am the anxious attachment style. And I used to be okay with how anxious I am. I mean, if I meet the right person he will be understanding and accepting of all of my flaws, right? So then why is my being an anxious attachment style a bad thing? Why would I want to change that? Other than the fact that the thoughts I think when I am being anxious feel like they are going to kill me. I wrote a poem a couple of years ago about being needy. Because that's what I am. I am a needy attention whore. I want and need to be adorned and fawned over and given as much attention as possible. I need text messages, phone calls, voice mails, touching, cuddling and kissing. These are the things that make me feel safe and secure in my relationship. I want to fix my anxiety and paranoia......but not being needy. I actually like being needy. I don't like feeling anxious & paranoid all the time. I take medication (when I remember to) for depression/anxiety, but it doesn't really seem to help much. I'm really stubborn about trying therapy. I was in therapy when I was younger and I never really felt like I was getting better. So now that I have rambled on and on about nothings super important I will leave you with my poem and the link to the article from Psychology Today (my favorite magazine). NEED i am needy. i am not afraid to admit it. i need Your attention. i need Your affection. i need Your approval. i need Your discipline. i need Your praise. i need Your companionship. i need Your friendship. i need Your guidance. i need Your understanding. i need Your acceptance. i need Your love, hugs, & kisses. i need Your touch, soft & firm. But most of all, i just need You. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-neurochemical-self/201505/you-can-change-your-attachment-style